Friday, July 15, 2011

Thank You for Your Courteousness Towards Others During the Movie

First of all, from where the hell does the theater base this presumption given the movie hasn’t started yet. I’d bet all of the money in my pockets that there’s always someone, whom once has read that, is determined to be a complete ass. I like most people have had to endure the most annoying of comments, sounds, cell phone screen and ringtones, and on one very special occasion a fight with drunken morons. I’ll save that story for another time though many of you may have heard it already. It’s increasingly strange though that out of an entire theater, the only people who decide to talk are always sitting right next to me or behind me. I swear there’s some kind of polarity that attracts them to me. Whispering is annoying enough but outright talking is flat out telling everyone else that they don’t care if they’re there or not. My absolute favorite is the jackass who decides to say what he thinks is a funny comment out loud. It’s incredibly satisfying when no one laughs. It’s a bonus that after a brief silence you hear someone mutter something like “douche.” If people laugh following that well then it’s just the cherry on top. Yes, I understand that irony and the soup├žon of hypocrisy. There’s a scene from the first episode of the first season of Californication where David Ducovny’s character beats the absolutely hell out of someone who won’t stop talking out loud on his phone during a movie. Thanks, David. Fictitious though it may be I was still able to live vicariously through that as it’s something I’ve always wanted to do.
The sad thing is that when you politely ask someone to lower their voice they get indignant about it. There was one such case when a “couple” sitting behind a group near me was having fun chatting out loud about what they thought was going to happen next. A member of the group turned around and asked far more nicely than was necessary given it was 30 minutes into the movie and the talking had not broken for a moment for them to please not talk so loudly. The response was a much louder “WHAT’D YOU SAY TO ME MOTHER $%#$@%?!I really wish the polite fellow had yelled it again. Being reasonable suddenly has no place in a venue where people gather to watch and listen to something. I’ve heard additional stories from friends and family who have worked at movie theaters. Some teenagers have been very upset that their sexual acts were interrupted. After all, they did pay for the ticket. Maybe they should go home and make a movie of their own. I’m also pretty shocked at some of the movies parents bring their kids to. Guess we shouldn’t be too surprised though as parental strategies these days are about as effective as getting bread out of a toaster with a screwdriver. Kids are a fast way to ruin a movie. They ask a lot of questions. Their interrogatives are also frequently inane and irrelevant. Yes, I know they’re kids but can’t they be at home asking why Uncle Jim spends so much time “paying bills” with mommy? These kids have more important things to pay attention to rather than trying to figure out why all that spaghetti sauce keeps coming out where that guy’s head used to be (true story).
You’re what’s ruining America, movie-talkers and enablers. By and large I’m fairly certain that all movie-talkers are communists. Can’t you just stay at home and stream the damn movie that someone posted on the Internet from their camera phone?
Presumption aside, I really think that the preceding slide before all the commercials we don’t give a damn about begins should be changed to “We reserve the right to beat the hell out of you with a large stick should you talk, text, or are otherwise distracting during the movie. If you have a problem with this policy you may either shove it up your ass or haters may exit to the left.” They’re more than welcome to thank the audience after the movie has concluded provided no one was distracting in any way. Just seems to make more sense to me. Wouldn’t be any shortage of people who would want that job. Hell, I’d moonlight as the Movie Stick Punisher. I think I’d be quite good.